"What is Usenet?" -- Yet another opinion. Version 1, July 2002. By Steve-o Stonebraker (sstoneb@yahoo.com). Maybe you or your friends often go to someplace like a coffeehouse, or a Denny's restaurant or IHOP to hang out. This place is a lot like that, really. By coming in often enough, you'll become friends with several of the other frequent patrons. People sit around big tables together, eat onion rings, and talk every afternoon. The tables are large enough that there are always empty seats, and new people that wander into the restaurant will often take a seat at a particular table because they hear people talking about something they like, and want to join in the fun. There are many tables in the restaurant where groups of people meet this way, each with its own atmosphere -- some tables are rowdy, some are very calm, some of them get in fights all the time or have shouting matches with other tables... but most keep to themselves and focus on plain conversation. Each table has its own set of rules, too. For example, some are smoking and some are non-smoking. If you sit down at a non-smoking table and light up a cigarette, you're going to make a lot of people upset. Don't get defensive or claim the rules are stupid -- just make an effort to get along, or choose a different table that suits you better. If you're sitting at a table for the first time, you should either ask about the rules there, or sit quietly and observe for a while until you get the feel of the place. Because each table is so large, there is room for many conversations to take place at the same time without them getting all jumbled. People change seats a lot, and cluster around specific conversations in this way. As a conversation evolves, people will come and go, and eventually the talk and the cluster of people dissolve as they move on to other conversations. Everyone does things in their own way. When a regular patron comes to the table, they usually check in on most of the conversations, and then sit down to take part in the ones that interest them. Other table-sitters might listen in on a few conversations, but mostly just check what their friends are talking about because they don't have time to listen to everyone. And still other people like to give every conversation a chance, even if it doesn't immediately grab their interest. After all, you never know where a conversation will lead once it gets started. Each table serves a different purpose for the people who sit there. At some tables they like to talk about movies. At others, the table- sitters love to engage in political or philosophical debate. Some tables are known as a good place to go if you need advice on certain topics; for example, if you're having trouble installing some hardware, you can find a table where a bunch of computer experts are gathered and tell them about your problem. In general, people with similar hobbies or interests tend to gather together, and the conversations at their tables reflect the various aspects of those common interests. Many patrons have friends all over the restaurant (as well as more than one hobby), and like to visit several tables each time they come to the restaurant. You might decide to split your time evenly between many tables, but most people end up developing a "favorite" group to sit with where they spend most of their time. For the sake of argument, let's assume that the same will be true of you. There are people at your table who you see every time you go. They're always there, and you become good friends with some of them simply by spending so much time together. Other people who are always there are less appealing to you. There's a lot of things they could be doing to get on your nerves: maybe they make a habit of insulting other people at the table, or heckle the waitress, or "share" your fries without asking, or interrupt people, or just sort of babble on constantly about whatever is on their mind instead of taking part in one of the running conversations. Maybe they belittle other customers on the basis of such trivialities as their taste in music or movies. Again, there's lots of things they might be doing. The point is, among people who you see at the table on a regular basis, there's going to be a mixed bag. There's another group of people who like to sit at your table, but almost never speak up. They simply enjoy listening to the conversations. It's hard to keep track of how many of these listeners there are, but since there's always plenty of seats, it's not like they're taking up valuable space or something. In fact, it would probably be easier to keep track of all the conversations at the table if more people would just listen instead of pointing out the obvious, or telling you about their garage sale, or asking things like "how much does a milkshake cost?" when they could just look at the menu and figure it out on their own. Sometimes when a new movie is coming out, or when a new episode of a popular TV show is going to air, the whole table gets excited and can hardly wait to see it. The day after the premiere, everyone who had a chance to see it wants to compare notes and reactions. Some people at the table won't have had a chance to see it yet, though -- they had to work, or they don't have cable TV and have to borrow a tape from someone, or whatever. There is an implicit understanding among the patrons at your table that after every premiere, people should be careful not to loudly blurt out important plot twists or surprises until everyone at the table has seen the premiere. It's just rude to ruin the story for people like that. Talking about the premiere is fine, as long as it's done quietly and as long as there's a way for people coming into the restaurant to know which conversations at the table might spoil the story and which ones won't. That way when they come to the table, they can just sit in on the "safe" discussions. Some customers feel outraged by this; they refuse to warn people of what they're talking about until it's too late, or even to keep their voices down. All the customers at the table end up hearing everything they say, whether they want to or not. A very small portion will even say, "Either go home or stop complaining about having the story ruined. I'm not going to be careful just because they couldn't be bothered to watch it yet." Thankfully, since those people aren't willing to put much effort into joining the community, they usually stop coming to the table before very long. New people drop in on the table every day. When they're new, of course, they won't yet have any friends at the table. Some of them take a while to figure out how to fit in, but get it eventually and end up being pretty cool. Others are able to make a great first impression with sparkling conversation or a mastery of trivia and become popular and well-known right off the bat. And still others sort of make a nuissance of themselves, either by accident or through carelessness, but stick around for a long time anyway. If one of the new people at your table is being disruptive or distracting, there are a few options for you: Ignore them and hope they'll go away, yell at them and try to chase them off, or try to tell them nicely that they're being rude. Ignoring them may or may not work, but either way it'll be a trial for everyone while they keep it up. Sure, you can learn to tune them out, but it's better if everyone just behaves and nobody gets ignored. Yelling at them sometimes works, but that's just as unpleasant, especially when they yell back and the whole day is wasted because nobody at the table can hear anything but the argument. There's a whole table full of people to consider before you pick a fight. Basically, if someone at the table does something which isn't "acceptable" -- even if it is acceptable at some of the other tables -- the best thing to do is politely ask them to stop. For the first few days that someone sits at your table they will probably not know anyone. It should be clear to them, though, that there are several friendships at the table. If a new patron questions the accuracy of a story that one of your long-term friends tells, you will stick up for your friend. Several others may chime in with their support and trust. This isn't because you and the other regular customers don't like being questioned; you're just vouching for someone you trust and respect. (It is irritating, though, to have someone accuse your friend of lying on their very first day at the table. A little tact on their part is called for.) On the other hand, if the honesty of a new customer comes into question, they are not likely to get as much defense, because no one will know them. Sometimes this is interpreted as a hostility towards new customers, or as a mindless devotion to an established clique, but that's not really the issue... it's just that nobody knows the new guy well enough to say if he's full of crap or not. In general, new people at the table are likely to make some mistakes and make a few people angry. This can't really be avoided, and it's important not to overreact to such instances. New patrons need a little leaway as they learn the rules and customs. Long-established patrons sometimes get out of line, too. Becuase they have many friends at the table, they get some leaway, too. Sometimes, too much. Nobody likes telling a friend they've done something wrong. Nobody likes seeing a stranger tell their friend they've done something wrong, either, though, so there's almost always a conflict when this happens. The only good solution is for the regulars to bite the bullet and nicely try to get their friend to behave. If you have a disagreement with another customer, and some of that customer's friends take their side, don't automatically assume that they're doing it purely out of loyalty. They may legitimately agree with their friend's position, and be backing them up on those grounds. That's really the only sensible reason to back somebody up in a dispute, anyway. The same goes for you, too, of course. If you agree with someone's position, go ahead and voice your opinion, whether you know them or not. Don't just blindly defend your friends. Everybody screws up sometimes, even cool people. On a similar note, don't cause trouble with somebody just because the two of you have some baggage. In a group this large, there are bound to be disputes from time to time, and some of them will lead to the participants harboring grudges against each other. Grudges are generally bad things, but dissolving them is something you can only do on your own. While the grudge is in existance, make every effort to not let it affect the way you act in the restaurant. There is no excuse for blowing up at somebody when they've done nothing but sit down near you and start talking to some of the other patrons. It's also not acceptable to make little snide comments or innuendos in an effort to seem "better" because you aren't openly hostile. If you don't want to see them around, you'll just have to deal with it. Don't sit down with a cluster of people where your nemesis is already sitting, or go ahead and take a seat there if you like their conversation, but just talk to other people in the cluster, or make a little paper cutout that's shaped like them and hang it front of your face so you don't see them anymore... whatever. It doesn't matter, as long as the result is that the other people at your table don't have to put up with inane bickering. If you have to have a confrontation with somebody you dislike, at least have the class to take it out into the parking lot. Even better, of course, is to not develop any enemies in the first place. Some people just aren't compatible with each other, and there's not much you can do to avoid disliking them. Most feuds at the restaurant, though, begin thanks to a pair of mistakes that everybody makes sometimes: being a jerk, and taking things personally. If you act like a jerk with any regularity -- even if you're nice most of the time -- you're going to turn some people off. Specifically, the people to whom you've been mean or curt will probably remember that. You can't be a good influence on the community at your table if you're only friendly to your friends, and treat everyone else like they're morons. On the other side of this, if you feel like you're being picked on or treated unfairly, take a good, long look at the situation before you decide to take it to heart. Did you ask a question which might look stupid to people who have been coming to the restaurant for a long time? Was the comment directed at you maliciously, or was it supposed to be in good fun? Don't go out of your way to be offended. Even if somebody was actually trying to be mean to you, it's a lot easier to just turn the other cheek and move on than it to dwell on it. There are going to be jerks at every table. Tune this one out, and concentrate on the people who greeted you warmly. At any given time, most of the people sitting at your table couldn't care less about some stupid dispute between you and some other person. The absolute worst thing you can do to the community at your table is to drag everyone into an argument. The absolute worst way you can react to a hostile comment which has been directed at you is to respond in kind. If you've been insulted unfairly, rest assured that anybody at the table who actually cares will be able to make that determination without watching the two of you shout at each other for a while. Your reputation will not be destroyed by someone else's random ravings, so just don't worry about it. You'll find that your would-be enemy will probably run out of steam pretty quickly if you refuse to yell back. Also, make note: apologies are wonderful things. An apology doesn't have to mean you're recanting your stated views. It only means that you didn't want a big argument, and you wish things had unfolded in a different way. Saying "I'm sorry" has turned many reluctant opponents into friends, and tends to earn you bonus points with the other table-sitters, too. Occasionally, somebody shows up and sits down at the table and seems to have no goal other than annoying people. They call other customers names or make fun of whatever is being discussed, or even worse, they may start shouting obscenities or make bigoted little speeches. Since they came inside intending to make trouble, chances are they're not about to leave just because somebody threatens them or calls them names back. The more the bully is able to rile people up, the happier they get, so reacting with anger or contempt won't do any good. Just do your best to ignore such people, and if things get really bad, go find the manager and have the troublemaker kicked out of the restaurant. (Do it discreetly, though. There's no need to accounce your actions to the whole table before getting up.) As long as the restaurant remains open for business, people will keep coming in to enjoy the atmosphere and conversation. If things at any table get really out of hand, a higher authority may step in to take care of things, but the manager's not going to monitor everyone's behavior and force people to like each other. The people at each table are ultimately responsible for the way their table operates. It can be a fun place to hang out, or it can become mired down in hostility. Being friendly to regular customers and newcomers alike is the only way to make sure your table continues to be worth visiting. Everyone plays a part in this, but those who have earned the respect of their fellow patrons have an informal position of authority, and it is even more important for them to set a good example: Answer questions without condescension, try to diffuse fights between patrons, show respect for others at your table, and leave a generous tip for the funny waitress. -- This piece was written by Steve-o Stonebraker (sstoneb@yahoo.com). It may be posted anywhere freely, but please leave my name on it. Thanks.