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I fell in unrequited love two years ago, and it's sad to say that I am still in it. I'm only 14 yes, and most 14 year olds are very nieve on the subject of love. I am not an average 14 year old. Love is when you can't stop thinking about someone. That everything would be better if you could just see their face one more time. It's when no matter what happens your feelings still don't go away. And that no matter how many times you see them or hear them, you always care about what they say or do. You can never get enough of them. I'm sure there is more to my theory on love, but I should start getting to my story.
It was when I was in 8th grade, and I met this boy. He moved from Virginia, and he came into our class. I remember sitting there looking at him wondering who he was. What kind of place he came from, what kind of feelings were going through his mind. What kind of person he was. I talked to him and thought that he was a very nice person. Time went by and we became friends.. he told some people that he liked me, and when it got around to me I replied that I had liked him back. So we both had liked eachother, and we both knew it. But nothing every happened. Regaurdless of the mutual likings we never did end up going out. Suddenly though he ended up liking another girl, and yet I still liked him.
I realized last year after one full year of liking him that I was in love. I would have done anything to have him hold me or to tell me that he loved me back, but he never did such a thing and he never will. One night I had a party and he was invited... we played spin the bottle and who should I land on but him. Scott was his name. I couldn't kiss him. I always imagined us kissing after he had confessed his love for me, or after he had asked me out after slowdancing with me. I didn't want the first kiss with him to be because of a stupid game. If I ever did kiss him I wanted it to be for the right reasons. He tried everything in his power that night to lead me on. He hugged me, he held my hand, gave me a massage, and practically did everything BUT kiss me.
Yet again he still said that he didn't love me.
One night he was talking to my friends and they told him that he should ask me to homecoming. He said that he would think about it, but it would only be as friends, because he no longer thought of me in "that way". Later he told them that that night at the football game he would ask me to homecoming. I waited that night and he never did show up. Homecoming rolled around and he ended up showing up with a girl named Ashley. I remember cutting myself a few nights before when I found out that he was never going to ask me.
I still love Scott, there is no doubt about it. Nothing that anyone will say or do will change my unrequited love for him. And I regret ever meeting him because of this. He wants to be friends but knowing that he is so close to me, and yet that I can never have him, hurts me more than not seeing him at all.
Some may think that I don't know what love is, or that I'm just a teenager who thinks she's in love... that it was just a crush and by the end of next week I will be over him. Well it's been two years, and I'm still not over him. Maybe I am nieve and maybe it is just a crush. But alls I know is that my "crush" has lasted for two years, and that I would give anything for this boy. I would die for him. After two years of knowing him, and after two years of regretting knowing him because of the way I feel, I know him enough to say that I do love him.
Comments from Steve-o:
Parts of this story may sound a little naive to older readers, but to those people I would say, try to remember your own feelings during those years of your own life. I've come to believe that the capacity to love others is something that never stops growing in us. I think adults -- including me -- sometimes look at teens professing their love, see things that seem to be lacking, and adopt a condescending attitude. What we forget is that when you're loving at your full capacity, it doesn't really matter what that capacity is. There's simply no way to conceive of anything else. Until the next time, of course, when one's capacity has invariably grown.
It would of course be negligent of me to not say something about "Jessica"'s mention of cutting. This is an increasingly common phenomenon among teenagers in many Western countries. It makes me sad. It's not a predictor for more serious problems like becoming suicidal, but it's definitely not a good sign and suicides are often preceded by self-injury. (But again, self-injury does not usually lead to suicide. There are far more people hurting themselves than trying to kill themselves.) I know there's not really anything I can do, but as I said to "Jessica" in email, and as I say in my serious note, hurting yourself like this is not good, and if you are having these sorts of urges, I beg you to do some reading and talk to someone you trust about it. You can start with some of the sites I put into my agonizing links section. This is a serious issue, and I am not qualified to give real advice about it. Please believe that my concern is sincere, and take steps to nip this habit in the bud before it develops into something more dangerous, or even just leads to an increasingly poor self-esteem.
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